So today marks the beginning of what I hope to be a short transitional period. I've known now for a long time that this period would come, although because of the best friends and boyfriend a man could ask for I chose to put it in the back of my head. Now that i'm away from everyone the pain is much more acute than I had expected. I often wonder why people blog. Is it for attention, or is it down out of boredom. The reason for me is simple, hopefully it will become a cleansing process. The more people that read, the better I will feel.
Driving long distances in in a Uhaul van, and no radio can become a therapeutic experience. On the drive from Tucson to LA I pondered many questions that had been circling about in my head. These were questions on what it means to be gay.. I think that maybe it's a secret device used by Mother Nature for whatever reason. What confounded me was the way gay men act in relationships and how they differ from heterosexual couples. Basically, through my many experiences with gay men I have realized that it is a human longing to be with one other person. For obvious reasons, to perpetuate the human race. So it shouldn't just be about sex, and for so long it was. That changed when I met a man that would change my outlook on life, make me realize things about myself, ultimately I'm a better person today. This sounds cliche yes, but for a guy like myself who learned about gay love through an AOL chatroom, and endless flakes and freaks, it is a good day when you realize that although tougher, gay men can have meaningful relationships.
For almost two years we were together, and like any relationship there were bumps in the road. I'm writing this now in a new place and alone so the feeling is much more poignant now than i'm hoping it will be in time. I don't want to hurt anymore, the feeling of loss is too much for me to deal with. Do I sound desperate, well I am. It's hard enough living in a new city without friends or roots, it's harder when the person you've given a little bit of your soul to is five hundred miles away. Where are we now? I don't know, this is all new to me, how do I deal with this? Do I call him? no.. Do I email him long notes of love.. no.. I know that he needs to move on in some way, date people.. Why? We all need to be with someone, I'm sure of this.. People who aren't in agreement with me on this have either convinced themselves otherwise or are unhappy.
I love him.. why did I move away? Am I an idiot because I left, or should I have stayed because love is more important than work. I wanted to be in LA because it's where I should be for what I studied in school.. at least thats what people said, I believed them, now it's looks just as difficult as in Tucson.. at least there I had friends.. but they're leaving soon anyway. STOP should I just forget about them all? and move on.. would that be easier?
I'm a little sentimental.. basically I realize now that I love M more than I had thought while I was still there. Possibly because I knew he was there, sort of at my convenience, but that sounds selfish. I think that I am done looking for love, if it's meant to be from now on it will just happen naturally, or is naturally actually out there in a chat room looking for it? Who knows, but I'm 25 years old, I had a good thing and I left it.. why .. for work prospects.. I hope things pan out..
